walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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