I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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