So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
