The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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