is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
