I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
