His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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