I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
