I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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