I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
