ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
