I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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