winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
