Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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