Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
