I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize