I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
