Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
