super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
