I just pynch a tree in the face
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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