he told me I talked like a deaf person
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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