so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She's the barista slut.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
