apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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