if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
