i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Blood and glitter go together right?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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