Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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