In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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