If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
