Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
