totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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