I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize