Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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