what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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