his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i need to put some appletini on your dick
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
