I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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