tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
