u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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