so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
