Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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