Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
