I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
