No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize