the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
