There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
