literally had 100 drinks last night.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
