I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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