he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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