hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
