I'm lost and stupid without you.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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