the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
