I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Too much gin, very little bucket
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
