2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
