Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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