And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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