Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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