wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
