Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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