it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
