My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
