dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
