just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize